Ahh, I love laughter. It's the nectar of life.
The other day I found god. It rained really heavy the night before, you know..the kind of rain you find dead seagulls in your pool after. I woke up that morning feeling rather pekish so I decided to go to the subway across the street from my apartment. As I was crosing the street I noticed a strange figure strewn over a storm drain. To my horror I realized it was god. Strangely he was only the size of a newborn baby. While no one was looking I gathered him up in my shirt and took him back to my apartment. Once back I carefully placed him in a pickle jar filled with alcahol and put him on my bookshelf. At night he would give off an strange blue glow. later that week I started to charge people quarters to touch his head.
Please don't judge me I got my head stuck in a microwave when I was a babby.

Billbor


i used to have a handle on life, but it was one of those cheap plastic things and it broke off...
On the contrary, thalia, I am neither racist nor prejudice of any type of person, whether it be size, color, nationality, or sexual preference. YOU are being TOO judgemantal. Just relax and enjoy the humor in it. Some of my closest friends are gays, and they like the joke, so lighten up! Chey
That joke was in very poor taste! "Gay-bashing" is about as humorous (more like humor-less) as telling a racist joke, and it is just as insulting (to me, anyways).

thalia


What do "Gay" termites eat?

Answer: Woodpeckers!


What kinda joke was that, Nico?

I have a very good use for money-- It is the perfect size to fold into little oragami rings... of course, regular paper works just as well.

And if you wanted to hide it, put it in a Backstreet Boys cd case. I would never think to look in there.

Love,
thalia


it smells of tofu in here.
how do you hide money from Queen Thalia?

what does she want with money anyway, eh?


Here's a poem for you all:

Dawn breaks sky
Waves break shore
Birdcalls break silence
Fish breaks water
I break wind


Here's a good one

Eagles can soar but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.


How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How did they get in the lightbulb?


Q:Whussa difference tween a cop car and a porcupine?

A:A porcupine has it's pricks on the OUTSIDE.

Q:How can you tell when a bass player is playing out of tune?

A:His fingers are moving.


Q: How many thought police does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single
incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fish.
Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?


Because it's too cold out Tide!


HERE'S ONE:
A TEACHER WAS TRYING TO TEACH THE LITTLE RASCALS SOME NEW WORDS AND TO PUT THEM INTO SENTENCES. THE TEACHER SAID, "LOVE". SPANKY RAISED HIS HAND AND SAID, "I LOVE DOGS." "VERY GOOD, SPANKY" THE TEACHER SAID, "RESPECT." ALFALFA RAISED HIS HAND, "I RESPECT SPANKY'S LOVE FOR DOGS." "VERY GOOD, ALFALFA," THE TEACHER SAID, "DICTATE". THE CHILDREN SAT IN SILENCE PONDERING OVER THE WORD 'DICTATE'. BUCKWHEAT RAISED HIS HAND AND SAID,"HEY, DARLA! HOW DOES MY DIC-TATE?"
i got a joke....that was almost funny
here's a funny one:
How did Dairy Queen Get pregnant???
Burger King forgot to wrap his wopper!!!!!!!!!


hahahahhahahahah I'm just toooooooooo funny!


A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

SD


A young woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

TELE


Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth ...
TELE


Hmmm, seems interesting that I read those a year ago on a link sent to me by a net-aquaintance named Morgan LaFey. Small world?

CZ


Actual English subtitles used in Hong Kong films:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a Barbecued chicken!
7. Take my advice, or i'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape.
14. I got knife scars more than the number of your legs hair!
15. Beware! your bones are going to be disconnected.
16. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
17. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
18. This will be of  fine service for you, you bag of scum. I am sure you will not mind if I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
19. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
20. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict pain of our karate feets on some ass of a giant lizard person.
From Theo
A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't call a countess a cow, if he could call a cow a countess?

The judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon the newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowed elaborately, and said, "How do you do, Countess?"
Tele


A guy walks into a Dr.'s office complaining of stomach pains and trouble eating.
Dr. says, "Ah, I think I know what the problem is. Come back to my office tomorrow with a banan and a chocolate chip cookie."
The man is rather confused, but agrees anyway and comes back in the next day with the required items.
The Dr. says, "Now this is a long and ardious treatment. It will take many weeks until you are cured. Do you still want to proceed with the treatment?"
The man answers, "Yes, of course! Whatever it takes"
So the Dr. ask the man to please place the banana and the cookie on the table then to drop his pants and bend over. The man does as he is told. The Dr. then deftly peels the banana and shoves it up the mans butt. The Dr. then proceeds to stuff the cookie up the man's rear end.
"There that will do for today. Come back tomorrow with anouther banana and cookie and we can continue with the treatment." the Dr. replies as he wips the cookie crumbs from his hands.
"OK, I guess." says the shocked and pained man
So, tis procedure goes on for several weeks; the man goes into the Dr.'s office, the Dr. peels the banana, shoves it up the man butt soon to be followed by the choclate chip cookie. Finally the Dr. asks the man to bring his usual banana but replace the cookie with a large hammer. The man agrees, wincing as he tries to imagine what that will feel like shoved up is anal oraface.
So the following day the man comes into the Dr.'s office and gingerly hands the Dr. the banana and hammer, drops his pants and assumes the position.
The Dr. the asks, "would you mind lying on your side this time please?"
The man follows instructions and lies down on his side. Up goes the banana. The man prepares himself for the hammer to follow. But nothing happens.
"And know your treatment is almost complete. All we need to do now is wait." Said the Dr. triumphantly.
All of the sudden the head of a large tapeworm appears from out of the man's backside.
The tapeworm shouts, "Hey where's my f*#$ing coo..." WHAM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his
mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me ," replied the patron. " He eats
everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and
ate it!!," says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!!!"


3-28-99
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What on earth does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this story
It ends.

Speaking of dilbert, in the first tv show dilbert gets into a shower activated by HIS voice. Dogbert askes, "what was the name of that move? Something, something a space oddesy..." dilbert goes it was 2001!" Suddenly athe shower goes "2001." Dilbert screams it is soooooooooooooooo hot!
From Jim Harwood, Institute for Astronomy, U.H.

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are only a few of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. - (This was the winning entry, Microsoft Corp., Redmond,Wa)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. - (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. - (AT&T Long Lines Division)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things more important things interfere with it. - (Advertising/Mktg Mgr. UPS)

5. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk
I gave her was write-protected. - (CIO of Dell Computers)
6. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." - (Mktg exec, Citrix Corp.)

7. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." - (Shipping exec, FTD Florists)

8. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." - (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)


For a good time call
1-900-FUN-NUNS

I didn't know God was kinky until I saw...
What's less likely than a pair of naked nuns in a phone booth?
Two star fish walk out of a bar. One looks in the sky and asks "Is that the sun or the moon?" The other answers "I don't know. I don't live around here."
here's another line that needs a punch......
3 naked nuns in a phone booth......
ouch! that's soooo mean :)
jk
Roseanne got in my car.
These kind of sound like punch lines. Have you ever tried making a joke to fit a punch line. here's a punch line: It's much heavier now!

Can anybody make a joke to fit?


I like things that sparkle
chicken speed bump
chicken cross road
pie in face


Great guffaws bounce off the warped walls in this den of laughter. There are head holes in the corners where you can shut the sound out if your ribs hurt too much. The floor is covered in soft whoopie cushions and everyone has a squirt gun... have fun!